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Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!