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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...