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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
thinking men should come with a carfax....
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.