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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...