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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.