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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......