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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
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"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor