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Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....