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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.