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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…