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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.