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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it