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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. Iām really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
insert coin to view my status
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.