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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??