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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
I grew up for this?
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Not so great minds also think alike.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.