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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.