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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
My inner child is a drunken whore
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF