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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.