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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."