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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!