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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.