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It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.