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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.