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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..