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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.