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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.