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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.