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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.