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How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.