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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.