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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.