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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
And then her mood ring just...exploded
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.