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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
sleep is for people without netflix