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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
There`s no WE in pizza.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.