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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.