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I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!