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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on