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Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.