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I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.