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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.