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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!