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I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Plan B includes margaritas.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....