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Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
´s status message is better than yours
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”