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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.