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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.