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When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.