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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
I`m having an out of money experience.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.