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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?