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I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
The older I get the better I used to be.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!