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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"