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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.