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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.