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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.