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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!