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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.