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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!