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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.