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Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."